Let me tell you the story of my The One That Got Away.

His name was V. What we had lasted about a year. Until I made a crucial mistake which led to him disappearing from my life... forever.

I first met him here in the Philippines. He was an Alabang boy. I was just plain old me. He was rich, pogi, really nice, funny, down to earth, and most of all, smart (although he would say he was only witty, not smart). He was a law graduate about to take the bar. I was almost the complete opposite. I was plain, masungit, cranky, and inconsistent. I was a simple writer. He, on the other hand, was pursuing my dream.

He was all I could ask for, and so much more.


What I liked most about him, however, was that he loved me. Truly. Sincerely. It was something that baffled me. How could he love someone like me when he could get any girl he wanted? I pushed him away, but he would always come back. I loved him more each time he did.

It was a sleepless morning in July (we spent the whole night-morning just talking) when he broke the news that he had to leave for the States that same day. You see, he was a US citizen who lived there until he was 18 when he was "thrown" to the Philippines. His family was based abroad, and the moment his mom called, he knew had to leave immediately because of an emergency involving his ate. It turned out his mom had been calling him since the night before to tell him she had already purchased a ticket for him back to the States. I found out later on that his ate's cancer recurred, and that he had to be there when they broke the news to her. He hated his life there, but he had no choice. He loved his ate too much to turn his back on her.

He offered to buy me a ticket, to come take me away with him but I declined. I didn't have a visa, and I figured it was too early for anything like that. I knew he was serious about it but I had to say no. I couldn't leave my family behind.

It was one of the hardest nights of my life spent saying a rushed goodbye to the one I loved. I was supposed to come with him to the airport but I couldn't skip work that night. I was devastated.

It took him a few days to adjust to being back in the US. He was, at first, depressed at leaving his life here, his dreams of taking the bar, and even me behind. But I never felt any of that depression. It was like he was still here. He would stay up til the wee hours of the morning to talk with me on Skype, Gtalk, Twitter, everything you can think of. I wondered if he ever slept, because he would be there to talk to me any given time of the day. I shoot him a message and he would reply within 3 minutes. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would always ask him to rest, but all he would say was "I've got plenty of time to rest when I die" and proceed to get mad at me for forcing him to sleep.

He was the one who introduced me to football. We would stay up, on different timezones, to watch football matches either on ESPN, Star Sports or on a livestream. He would patiently explain to me each and every rule, once, twice, or as many times as I needed. He would lose even more sleep (as if he had any more to lose) as he researched all my unanswered questions, and come up to me with answers the moment I woke up. He was never too tired for me. More than a year after my very first footy match, I now have a football blog with my own match analyses and commentaries.

When I was young until early last year, I was terribly afraid of dogs. I could never touch even our own, let alone walk in a street with one. But V took away all that. He was a canine lover. He had a chow named Muning he loved more than anything. He showed me through Muning how animals were capable of giving love, if you showed them the same. He was again patient in helping me conquer my fear. Now I love my dogs just as much as he loved Muning.

It was not always smooth-sailing though. We had our rough times, mostly because of my insecurities. Despite everything, I doubted his feelings for me. I accused him of playing games. That he never really loved me. That he was stupid for wasting his time on me. It was not my proudest moment, and I paid for it. I hurt him when he was at his most vulnerable. I was blind to all he did for me. I was plain insecure. It was the longest fight, and easily the most painful. We patched things up soon after.

A few months later, his ate died. It was a tough time for our relationship, which became a lot rougher to him with his ate's death. I tried to be there for him, I really did. But her death changed him. It was never the same for him, for us.

Inevitably, we both became too busy--- me with work, him with the family law firm and studying for the California Bar. He also got sick often. He would even be admitted to the hospital without telling me because he never wanted me to worry. He never even told me why he had to go. I assumed it was because of his anemia that he had already been complaining of when he was here.

We fought often on the rare times we were able to talk. The times we drifted apart, I reconnected with other people. He was still there, but I tried to see other people. You see, what we had was unofficial. It was an understanding we didn't have to put into writing because we KNEW our situation. We didn't want to sugarcoat it with promises that may only be broken. We avoided the unnecessary hurt of being together--- apart.

I admit it was my fault. I started it all. In a fit of anger, I dated the football writer I met he was so jealous of. It made things even worse. We went on days without talking to each other. During those times I reconnected with old love A, who for 4 years had always been there but we never really got together because he had a girlfriend... And I too had my share of relationships at the time. But his family loved me, and mine loved him too. To cut the long story short. I chose the security of a relationship with A over V.

A knew about V. I asked permission from A to talk to V, to finally tell him about us. V told me it must have meant everything to me ( the relationship with A) to throw away everything I had with him. He was shattered. He reminded me of the promises I made, that I would always be there for him, that I won't ever leave him, but there I was, the only person he trusted to be there for him...saying goodbye.

  

  

He told me the most sincere I love you I have ever heard. I knew he meant every single word, every single letter, every single breath he took to say it. He just wanted me to be happy, even if it hurt. I begged for forgiveness. He gave it completely.

I let him go. He did too.

I admit I was never completely happy with my partner during the time we were together. On days I couldn't talk to V, I thought of him. Of how deep I was in shit for choosing to be with A for the mere reason I wanted to make up for the 4 years we never really had. I fooled myself into believing I was content with my relationship, and look where it got me: the nastiest breakup no one expected to happen... because everyone thought what A and I had was perfect. But it never really was.

I ran to V. He was one of the few who knew about it immediately. But I guess I already hurt him too much. He thought I was playing games. He thought he was the rebound. He wasn't. I never stopped loving him. It was painful to feel him push me away. It was the last I heard of him. 

Every single day I am reminded of him, the memories we shared, and the love he gave. Remember how I always watch football when I'm sad? I do that because it keeps me happy. Because it reminded me of him and how he made me laugh. V, and his love, will always be my happy thought. I will always remember how he loved me unconditionally, despite me hurting him so many times.

Now I bet you're asking why I'm telling you this. I did because I want you never to have that someone who got away. Please don't think I'm saying it's me, but who knows, you might meet someone or already have someone, you need to fight for. Don't be the coward looking for an easy way out. Don't be like me. Don't let go of a V. When you find true happiness, don't ever let it go. Tomorrow might be too late.

I'm leaving you with our (V and I's) song. Funny how he picked this one out for me, saying it was exactly like us. And yes, my love, I AM leaving you. Goodbye.

You know that East Coast girls

Always say what we mean

And shy Southern boys

Often don't say a thing

But opposites attract

And you were drawn to me

And something 'bout you

Sparked my curiosity

They say that good guys

Usually don't come in first

Good girls fall for bad guys

But with us it's reverse

Not your average love song

Between you and me

The way the story unfolds

Defies gravity

Don't have to put on my makeup

I can leave out my contacts

Don't have to dress up for you

To think I'm beautiful

If I have a moody day

I don't have to act like I'm okay

I'm overdramatic

And you know how to handle it

Act natural, be emotional

Show my insecurities

And I love the way you love me

For who I am underneath

(Who I am underneath)

They say guys keep conversation

Short and sweet

And girls can talk for hours

Till they put you to sleep

But you're the one who

Checks up on me throughout the day

You stay on the phone

Even if there's nothing to say

Most guys that I know

Like to go out at night

But you leave that to me

Cause you're not that type

And we don't need

To do anything special to be happy

We got what we need

Make each other complete

Don't have to put on my makeup

I can leave out my contacts

Don't have to dress up for you

To think I'm beautiful

If I have a moody day

I don't have to act like I'm okay

I'm overdramatic

And you know how to handle it

Act natural, be emotional

Show my insecurities

And I love the way you love me

For who I am underneath

(Who I am underneath)

Layer by layer you unravel me

Sometimes I am rough around the edges

But you handle me gently

And layer by layer I uncover you

And discover a side of you

That I never knew underneath

Don't have to put on my makeup

I can leave out my contacts

Don't have to dress up for you

To think I'm beautiful

If I have a moody day

I don't have to act like I'm okay

I'm overdramatic

And you know how to handle it

Act natural, be emotional

Show my insecurities

And I love the way you love me

For who I am underneath

(Who I am underneath)

Who I am underneath

I love you for loving me

For who I am underneath

So yesterday, I asked for a sign. Yup, I did. I never was a firm believer in signs, but I decided to give it a shot. Hopelessness can sometimes make a person do unexpected things.

So there I was. in the middle of the city, waiting... wishing for the impossible to appear.

I wished for a firefly.

And while it was nothing like the picture, I got more than I wished for. I got three. Two more than I asked for.

It's a shame I have never seen a firefly before. There were times in the past that someone would point them out to me, but I would always be a second too late, too oblivious of the little insects flying around with tiny little lamps on their backs. I never knew what they looked like in person. They were what I saw in pictures, read in books, watched on movies. They were beautiful.

But yesterday was different. I wished for the impossible. I asked for an insect I have never before seen, to guide me into making a decision I was clueless about. But in the confusion of it all, I finally realized what I was hoping for.

Clarity.

Maybe I was a fool in believing in signs...

But there's nothing wrong in believing in hope, right?

I feel lost. Help me find my way?

Still in the dark,

Explorimentator A.

“Your honor, the courtroom is a crucible; in it, we burn away irrelevancies until we are left with a purer product: the truth, for all time.”

—	Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

I'm sorry, darling, but I have the TRUTH as my counsel. Stick that up your ass

I don't lie,

Explorimentator A

Our secret.

Kept previous posts private. YOU know where to find the most beautiful lie. 

TRUTH.

This will be the first and only time I will be wasting a post on this. I'm far too pissed with this girl who refuses to stop to let this pass.

As not everyone may know (as I'm sure not everyone's interested with my life), I had an erstwhile relationship with this guy, and had a nasty break-up shortly thereafter. This is what happened, as opposed to what that bitch of a girl may have STILL been trying to tell people.

This guy had been incessantly pursuing me the past 4 years DESPITE having a girlfriend. Whenever he and the girlfriend would have a fight, nasty ones I should say, he would run to me. At first it was just a friendly relationship, but through time, he would eventually tell me lies (that they've broken up, thus he was free) to try to get in my pants. FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. There were times I almost gave in to temptation and started a relationship with him behind the back of the girl, but I'd always stop myself before getting in too deep. I'd still see him often as his closest cousin was also my bestfriend. I'd get invited to all their family occasions because I was close to his whole family. Never once did I see this girl in any occasion- she had a nasty reputation with the family. She once let her father beat up the guy. AND SHE GOT CAUGHT CHEATING ON HIM TWICE. Nice girl, right? (That was sarcasm, if you didn't get it.) That is, however, beside the point. I was just trying to make her a little easier to picture for those who, fortunately, do not know her.

I didn't fuck her over, if that is what she's hinting on. No, it was her BOYFRIEND who fucked her over. No sense in putting the blame on me. Or maybe she should just blame herself for being a bitch who got caught cheating twice. SHAMELESS.

When he came to me earlier this year, I never wanted to pursue a relationship with him other than friendship. I lent him an ear, because I thought it was understood that it was only friendship we both wanted, nothing more. We even cleared everything up between us that night we went to a concert. We hung out often, but always in a group. I was happy with my life, and he knew that.

The time we spent together became even more frequent. He would update me about his relationship, and I would do the same with him. I would scold him for being crazy in love with this girl who was so, let me put it this way--- special, his best friend almost beat her up for being such a bitch. He was blinded by what he believed was love but he was too stupidly in love to even see it. I never gave him advice because I had an intention of being in a relationship with him. I made him understand that I was only telling him these things because he was a dear FRIEND to me, nothing more. Besides, I had a special someone at that time too. 

This exchange was after I went home from his birthday celebration.
He always texted me first, most of the time in the wee hours of the night.

I was just surprised when one day, he told me he finally broke up with the girl. I NEVER COERCED HIM TO DO ANYTHING HE DIDN'T WANT TO. The surprise, however, was short-lived, as I was already used to his on-off relationship with her. He began to court me shortly after that.

Fast forward to a few months later, I thought of giving the relationship a chance. I stopped dating other people. I told him to keep it a secret from the girl because as another girl, I was only thinking about how she would take the news, with their breakup still relatively fresh. I wanted to give her time to heal before she found out the news about us. We were happy for a time, until he told me the girl started texting him again to win him back. Being the lenient girlfriend that I was, I just told him to tell her once and for all it was over, and refused his proposal to change his number. I wasn't the jealous type. If there was one thing I ever regretted, it was being too trusting, and not letting him change his number. Turns out, they resumed texting each other shortly thereafter behind my back. This guy even had the guts to tell people I ALLOWED him to text her often. I wasn't that stupid. Why would I allow him? I wasn't out of my mind.

Things went smoothly in the relationship. My family knew about him. I was able to go to their home in Bulacan, after an outing, where he introduced me to his family from the mother's side. His family are all good people, God bless them.

A week later, things took a turn for the worst. The day after a date, he suddenly became cold to me. I was pissed but I never showed him. I was even thinking about breaking up with him, because I felt like we rushed things too much, and honestly, my feelings for him wasn't as strong as I expected it to be. Friday night he texted me to meet him at a mall, without saying why. I said okay, thinking if things went wrong, I'd break up with him, because I was so pissed at the way he was acting the past few days and he wasn't even the least bit apologetic about it.The morning of Saturday, my bestfriend gave me a call saying she had two spare tickets to an amusement park and wanted us both to accompany her. I called my then-boyfriend and asked if we could forego the trip to the mall and go with his cousin instead. He told me no, and said if I wanted to, I should go on the trip alone. I got pissed even more because it was so uncharacteristic of him. He would never let me go somewhere alone, without him picking me up at home. I was doubly, triply, motherf'nly pissed. 

Being the stickler for being on time that I was, I arrived at the mall at exactly 10 AM. We first agreed on 9 AM, but as I was about to leave, he changed to 10. So there I was at the arranged venue, SO PISSED, and about to give him hell, at 10 AM on the dot. He made me wait for two more hours. I went to this fastfood to get something to drink as I was already tired from having to walk around the mall, when he asked me where I was. I told him where and just as I was about to take a seat, I saw him enter the place, with the girl RIGHT BEHIND HIM. I was fuming, but I still tried to keep my cool. I've only met the girl once near their school in Dapitan, and it wasn't exactly a good experience. When he sat in front of me, with the other girl on the table beside us, and started his litany of bullshit, it took every ounce of me not to slap the living daylights out of him. I decided to stick with my good manners and did not say anything. He said it was unfair to me if he continued the relationship because he still thought of her, and all that shit. I think he was waiting for me to thank him for breaking up with me in the most cowardly way possible, without even explaining why he HAD to bring the girl with him. While thinking of what best to say to him, he impatiently told me the most ungentlemanly line ever, "Wala ka bang sasabihin? Kung wala, mauna na kami umalis." The fcker had no intention of giving me the privilege of walking out on them and acted all high and mighty as if it would be my honor to cheer them on and wish them luck. I answered with "hindi. Mauuna ako. FUCK YOU," the kindest words I could muster without creating a scene in such a crowded place where the closest customer was within an arm's length away from me. I proceeded to walk out, when I heard a female voice calling out my name from the restaurant. I didn't bother to look because I was hell bent on getting away from the two people who disgusted me the most. The girl overtook me and I saw that it was THE EX. She repeatedly begged for my forgiveness, all the while saying sorry, and "pareho naman tayo...". I told her to stop, to get away away from me, because her apologies were useless. I left her there and went my own way. I didn't bother crying because they weren't worth it. They were pathetic little love-struck assholes who didn't care about anyone else except their selfish love for each other.

Thing is, I would have gladly broken up with him if he did it the right way. One, he shouldn't have done it in such a public place, within earshot of everyone. He didn't even bother to tone down his voice. Two, I still don't understand why he had to bring HER. It's as if I'd put up a fight and beg him to stay if he didn't bring the girl. Gwapo mo, 'lul. As he seemed to not care about giving me at least a tiny bit of respect that day, I lost all respect for him as a human being. I'd have loved to see from his point of view regarding the decisions he made that day, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

This guy is the scum of the earth. The girl is a bitch who hasn't stopped bashing me since time immemorial. For 2 months, I shut up about this injustice. Now, I believe, is high time for me to fight back and get the JUSTICE I FULLY DESERVE. I treated them with humanity and all I get is this girl talking shit about me, ANIMAL INSTINCT CLEARLY TAKING OVER.

I could say nice things about them but I would rather tell the truth. They make me sick.

ARLO AND KRISSELLDA, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

P.S. Arlo and Krissellda, I know you have, and will continue to, read this OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Still, FUCK YOU. 

THE GIRL YOU BOTH FUCKED OVER,
ANJ :)

Haunting of the Seven Devils

"The best among us will learn from the mistakes of the past, while the rest of us are doomed to repeat them." - Emily Thorne (Revenge)

I've been hooked on the TV series Revenge for the past few days. Revenge is the story of a woman named Emily Thorne who is trying to avenge her father's wrongful death in the hands of the powerful matriarch of a Southampton clan, who was also incidentally cheating WITH her father. She tries to accomplish this through grand schemes involving powerful connections and a whole lot of money.

I've got a few revenge strategies of my own up my sleeve but unlike Emily Thorne, I don't dare use them. Or maybe I tried once. Oh, and mine are just small plots as compared to her grand machinations.

Anyway, this post is just an excuse for me to share Florence + the Machine's Seven Devils, a song which can be heard throughout the entire series. Very appropriate, I should say as the song is one of revenge, what with the the seven devils lurking in the shadows for the day of reckoning, waiting for all lies to be exposed.

I cannot wait for Season 2.

Watching with the Seven Devils,

Explorimentator A

P.S. This song was also used for the preview of Game of Thrones Season 2. NOW THAT IS A WHOLE BUNCH OF AWESOME.

Vangie

I got my very first question as an explorimentation master (naaaaaks, shet!) a few days back from a friend I will name, for the purpose of this entry, Vangie (because in real life, she likes Vangies... if you know what I mean).

Screencap of M's text message

Learn from it, maybe?

Since this blog will basically chronicle my explorimentations (as per K and T), I started it off by revisiting my old Multiply account. Why? Simple. Before Facebook and Twitter, there was trusty old Multiply to post pictures, write notes and meaningless blog posts on. I decided that to be able to look to the future, I best go back to my past and see if I can learn something new from it (assuming, I haven't yet). 

My Multiply (before it became an online marketplace) basically cached the 19-21 year-old me. Amid the clatter of my stupid (I didn't consider 'em stupid then) pictures and blog posts about everything and nothing, I found a gem I wrote 6 years ago for a Creative Writing class. I never was a fiction writer, I preferred to write true-to-life accounts, but this piece, is prolly one I was and still am really proud of.

Lifted from my original blog post: We were asked by Sir Guerrero to write a story using an article the whole class picked from a tabloid. I can't really recall much of the original news article, but from what I remember, the article was about a male homosexual who took sex pills to alter his physical attributes. I think he had an overdose, so he had to be rushed to the hospital. (PEREZ, 2007)

Here goes. I hope you enjoy and learn something from it, maybe.

To Die For

He never wanted to be here. The hospital, with its bare walls, seemed to him like a cage that trapped him and nagged him for wanting to live his dream to become a woman. He scanned the room without raising his head. He was too weak to even move. The room was fine, much better than the ward. For a moment, he was happy. He closed his eyes and prepared to sleep again. 

            The door opened with a creak. He twitched a little. He thought it was his mom. He didn’t see that it was James. His James. The one person whom he wanted so much to please that he was already willing to change a part of who he was. James was the reason why he took those pills. He wanted James to like him, but he knew it was futile, since James only liked girls. James never knew he was gay. He didn’t want to tell him about that. Rather, he wanted a new identity. He set out to Japan and took some sex pills a friend gave him. He vowed to return to Manila with his new look, in hope of finally capturing James’ heart. Two years after, he returned. He had everything a drag queen could ever want: big boobs, great butt, and a slim waist. He wanted to surprise James. In his enthusiasm, he failed to become aware of his body’s deterioration. It took its toll on him. Then suddenly, everything just went black. 

            He didn’t know that James already occupied the empty seat beside his bed. He didn’t know that James was looking at him. It didn’t even occur to him that Mindy had already told James everything, that he was the reason why he took all those pills. In his restful state, he never knew that James hadn’t really prepared himself to see him in his weakened condition. 

            He heard someone crying quietly beside his bed, but he didn’t care. He was sure it was his mother. She always shed tears whenever she visited. He tried to blink away his restful stupor and opened his eyes halfway through. A throaty grunt came out of him. James looked up and started to speak. 

“Niko, I— I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you would do this for me. If— If only I knew”, his voice trailed off. 

            He wanted to tell James it was okay. That he was fine. But all he managed to do was to stare.

            He felt James’ unease. He watched him leave. 

            The warmth of the sun swathed James as he walked out of the hospital. Niko hadn’t even spoken a word to him. Tomorrow perhaps, James would tell him that he loved him. Maybe tomorrow, he would be better. James just never knew that there would never be a tomorrow. He walked away from the building, unaware that behind those walls, a green line crept languidly and enveloped the room in cold darkness.#

Out and about,

Explorimentator A in 2006 

Birth

This blog was the brainchild of three girls, who were, quite unbelievably, not on crack. It will, however, be maintained by only one: me. I am Anj, and this is the story of how I live my life, through exploring and experimenting. Thus, explorimentation.