I am Queen.

I have always hidden behind the comfort of words. My feelings are a complicated mess, but they're quite easy to read. I make it a point to put down in words all the emotions-- pain and happiness included, so I can make sense of everything. It was not the admission that there is something there that I am afraid of. It is the uncertainty of the vastness of my emotions that make me quite uneasy.

I am at a loss.

I have never been unable to explain the trappings of my heart before. I started this as a game. I've never been challenged by an equal before. I must always retain my position as queen. But queen of what? Now I don't even know. I'm the queen of my own heart, I would like to believe. How come this lowly rook is trying to unseat me from my throne?

I have no words to explain this. Trying to squeeze my brain for words is like trying to make a mute girl sing. It's painfully hard, and a bit brutal. I want to reduce this into something words can explain. I do not want to go into war unprepared, and without the proper weapons. I am queen, and it can only remain that way. If I have to force myself to write everyday, then so be it. I will never again be conquered by something as stupid as love.