I won't let myself lose.
If I have to end it at this, then so be it.
I'd rather hurt winning than come out with a loss.
My role in your life ends now.
Martes, Pebrero 19, 2013
Miyerkules, Pebrero 6, 2013
I am Queen.
I have always hidden behind the comfort of words. My feelings are a complicated mess, but they're quite easy to read. I make it a point to put down in words all the emotions-- pain and happiness included, so I can make sense of everything. It was not the admission that there is something there that I am afraid of. It is the uncertainty of the vastness of my emotions that make me quite uneasy.
I am at a loss.
I have never been unable to explain the trappings of my heart before. I started this as a game. I've never been challenged by an equal before. I must always retain my position as queen. But queen of what? Now I don't even know. I'm the queen of my own heart, I would like to believe. How come this lowly rook is trying to unseat me from my throne?
I have no words to explain this. Trying to squeeze my brain for words is like trying to make a mute girl sing. It's painfully hard, and a bit brutal. I want to reduce this into something words can explain. I do not want to go into war unprepared, and without the proper weapons. I am queen, and it can only remain that way. If I have to force myself to write everyday, then so be it. I will never again be conquered by something as stupid as love.
I am at a loss.
I have never been unable to explain the trappings of my heart before. I started this as a game. I've never been challenged by an equal before. I must always retain my position as queen. But queen of what? Now I don't even know. I'm the queen of my own heart, I would like to believe. How come this lowly rook is trying to unseat me from my throne?
I have no words to explain this. Trying to squeeze my brain for words is like trying to make a mute girl sing. It's painfully hard, and a bit brutal. I want to reduce this into something words can explain. I do not want to go into war unprepared, and without the proper weapons. I am queen, and it can only remain that way. If I have to force myself to write everyday, then so be it. I will never again be conquered by something as stupid as love.
Sabado, Enero 5, 2013
The way your name rolls off my tongue
feels so perfect
like I have always been meant to say it
The beautiful curve of your mouth
fits with my lips that have long desired yours
Your smile, it has always been
the reason my sky will never be somber again
There is nothing more that I could ever want
than to spend every moment with you
You're all that I could ever need
You are everything I see
Your eyes cast a spell on me
I could never let go
Your laughter rings
like tiny bells on my ear on a cool summer's day
feels so perfect
like I have always been meant to say it
The beautiful curve of your mouth
fits with my lips that have long desired yours
Your smile, it has always been
the reason my sky will never be somber again
There is nothing more that I could ever want
than to spend every moment with you
You're all that I could ever need
You are everything I see
Your eyes cast a spell on me
I could never let go
Your laughter rings
like tiny bells on my ear on a cool summer's day
Lunes, Disyembre 10, 2012
Let me tell you the story of my The One That Got Away.
His name was V. What we had lasted about a year. Until I made a crucial mistake which led to him disappearing from my life... forever.
I first met him here in the Philippines. He was an Alabang boy. I was just plain old me. He was rich, pogi, really nice, funny, down to earth, and most of all, smart (although he would say he was only witty, not smart). He was a law graduate about to take the bar. I was almost the complete opposite. I was plain, masungit, cranky, and inconsistent. I was a simple writer. He, on the other hand, was pursuing my dream.
He was all I could ask for, and so much more.
What I liked most about him, however, was that he loved me. Truly. Sincerely. It was something that baffled me. How could he love someone like me when he could get any girl he wanted? I pushed him away, but he would always come back. I loved him more each time he did.
It was a sleepless morning in July (we spent the whole night-morning just talking) when he broke the news that he had to leave for the States that same day. You see, he was a US citizen who lived there until he was 18 when he was "thrown" to the Philippines. His family was based abroad, and the moment his mom called, he knew had to leave immediately because of an emergency involving his ate. It turned out his mom had been calling him since the night before to tell him she had already purchased a ticket for him back to the States. I found out later on that his ate's cancer recurred, and that he had to be there when they broke the news to her. He hated his life there, but he had no choice. He loved his ate too much to turn his back on her.
He offered to buy me a ticket, to come take me away with him but I declined. I didn't have a visa, and I figured it was too early for anything like that. I knew he was serious about it but I had to say no. I couldn't leave my family behind.
It was one of the hardest nights of my life spent saying a rushed goodbye to the one I loved. I was supposed to come with him to the airport but I couldn't skip work that night. I was devastated.
It took him a few days to adjust to being back in the US. He was, at first, depressed at leaving his life here, his dreams of taking the bar, and even me behind. But I never felt any of that depression. It was like he was still here. He would stay up til the wee hours of the morning to talk with me on Skype, Gtalk, Twitter, everything you can think of. I wondered if he ever slept, because he would be there to talk to me any given time of the day. I shoot him a message and he would reply within 3 minutes. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would always ask him to rest, but all he would say was "I've got plenty of time to rest when I die" and proceed to get mad at me for forcing him to sleep.
He was the one who introduced me to football. We would stay up, on different timezones, to watch football matches either on ESPN, Star Sports or on a livestream. He would patiently explain to me each and every rule, once, twice, or as many times as I needed. He would lose even more sleep (as if he had any more to lose) as he researched all my unanswered questions, and come up to me with answers the moment I woke up. He was never too tired for me. More than a year after my very first footy match, I now have a football blog with my own match analyses and commentaries.
When I was young until early last year, I was terribly afraid of dogs. I could never touch even our own, let alone walk in a street with one. But V took away all that. He was a canine lover. He had a chow named Muning he loved more than anything. He showed me through Muning how animals were capable of giving love, if you showed them the same. He was again patient in helping me conquer my fear. Now I love my dogs just as much as he loved Muning.
It was not always smooth-sailing though. We had our rough times, mostly because of my insecurities. Despite everything, I doubted his feelings for me. I accused him of playing games. That he never really loved me. That he was stupid for wasting his time on me. It was not my proudest moment, and I paid for it. I hurt him when he was at his most vulnerable. I was blind to all he did for me. I was plain insecure. It was the longest fight, and easily the most painful. We patched things up soon after.
A few months later, his ate died. It was a tough time for our relationship, which became a lot rougher to him with his ate's death. I tried to be there for him, I really did. But her death changed him. It was never the same for him, for us.
Inevitably, we both became too busy--- me with work, him with the family law firm and studying for the California Bar. He also got sick often. He would even be admitted to the hospital without telling me because he never wanted me to worry. He never even told me why he had to go. I assumed it was because of his anemia that he had already been complaining of when he was here.
We fought often on the rare times we were able to talk. The times we drifted apart, I reconnected with other people. He was still there, but I tried to see other people. You see, what we had was unofficial. It was an understanding we didn't have to put into writing because we KNEW our situation. We didn't want to sugarcoat it with promises that may only be broken. We avoided the unnecessary hurt of being together--- apart.
I admit it was my fault. I started it all. In a fit of anger, I dated the football writer I met he was so jealous of. It made things even worse. We went on days without talking to each other. During those times I reconnected with old love A, who for 4 years had always been there but we never really got together because he had a girlfriend... And I too had my share of relationships at the time. But his family loved me, and mine loved him too. To cut the long story short. I chose the security of a relationship with A over V.
A knew about V. I asked permission from A to talk to V, to finally tell him about us. V told me it must have meant everything to me ( the relationship with A) to throw away everything I had with him. He was shattered. He reminded me of the promises I made, that I would always be there for him, that I won't ever leave him, but there I was, the only person he trusted to be there for him...saying goodbye.
He told me the most sincere I love you I have ever heard. I knew he meant every single word, every single letter, every single breath he took to say it. He just wanted me to be happy, even if it hurt. I begged for forgiveness. He gave it completely.
I let him go. He did too.
I admit I was never completely happy with my partner during the time we were together. On days I couldn't talk to V, I thought of him. Of how deep I was in shit for choosing to be with A for the mere reason I wanted to make up for the 4 years we never really had. I fooled myself into believing I was content with my relationship, and look where it got me: the nastiest breakup no one expected to happen... because everyone thought what A and I had was perfect. But it never really was.
I ran to V. He was one of the few who knew about it immediately. But I guess I already hurt him too much. He thought I was playing games. He thought he was the rebound. He wasn't. I never stopped loving him. It was painful to feel him push me away. It was the last I heard of him.
Every single day I am reminded of him, the memories we shared, and the love he gave. Remember how I always watch football when I'm sad? I do that because it keeps me happy. Because it reminded me of him and how he made me laugh. V, and his love, will always be my happy thought. I will always remember how he loved me unconditionally, despite me hurting him so many times.
Now I bet you're asking why I'm telling you this. I did because I want you never to have that someone who got away. Please don't think I'm saying it's me, but who knows, you might meet someone or already have someone, you need to fight for. Don't be the coward looking for an easy way out. Don't be like me. Don't let go of a V. When you find true happiness, don't ever let it go. Tomorrow might be too late.
I'm leaving you with our (V and I's) song. Funny how he picked this one out for me, saying it was exactly like us. And yes, my love, I AM leaving you. Goodbye.
His name was V. What we had lasted about a year. Until I made a crucial mistake which led to him disappearing from my life... forever.
I first met him here in the Philippines. He was an Alabang boy. I was just plain old me. He was rich, pogi, really nice, funny, down to earth, and most of all, smart (although he would say he was only witty, not smart). He was a law graduate about to take the bar. I was almost the complete opposite. I was plain, masungit, cranky, and inconsistent. I was a simple writer. He, on the other hand, was pursuing my dream.
He was all I could ask for, and so much more.
What I liked most about him, however, was that he loved me. Truly. Sincerely. It was something that baffled me. How could he love someone like me when he could get any girl he wanted? I pushed him away, but he would always come back. I loved him more each time he did.
It was a sleepless morning in July (we spent the whole night-morning just talking) when he broke the news that he had to leave for the States that same day. You see, he was a US citizen who lived there until he was 18 when he was "thrown" to the Philippines. His family was based abroad, and the moment his mom called, he knew had to leave immediately because of an emergency involving his ate. It turned out his mom had been calling him since the night before to tell him she had already purchased a ticket for him back to the States. I found out later on that his ate's cancer recurred, and that he had to be there when they broke the news to her. He hated his life there, but he had no choice. He loved his ate too much to turn his back on her.
He offered to buy me a ticket, to come take me away with him but I declined. I didn't have a visa, and I figured it was too early for anything like that. I knew he was serious about it but I had to say no. I couldn't leave my family behind.
It was one of the hardest nights of my life spent saying a rushed goodbye to the one I loved. I was supposed to come with him to the airport but I couldn't skip work that night. I was devastated.
It took him a few days to adjust to being back in the US. He was, at first, depressed at leaving his life here, his dreams of taking the bar, and even me behind. But I never felt any of that depression. It was like he was still here. He would stay up til the wee hours of the morning to talk with me on Skype, Gtalk, Twitter, everything you can think of. I wondered if he ever slept, because he would be there to talk to me any given time of the day. I shoot him a message and he would reply within 3 minutes. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would always ask him to rest, but all he would say was "I've got plenty of time to rest when I die" and proceed to get mad at me for forcing him to sleep.
He was the one who introduced me to football. We would stay up, on different timezones, to watch football matches either on ESPN, Star Sports or on a livestream. He would patiently explain to me each and every rule, once, twice, or as many times as I needed. He would lose even more sleep (as if he had any more to lose) as he researched all my unanswered questions, and come up to me with answers the moment I woke up. He was never too tired for me. More than a year after my very first footy match, I now have a football blog with my own match analyses and commentaries.
When I was young until early last year, I was terribly afraid of dogs. I could never touch even our own, let alone walk in a street with one. But V took away all that. He was a canine lover. He had a chow named Muning he loved more than anything. He showed me through Muning how animals were capable of giving love, if you showed them the same. He was again patient in helping me conquer my fear. Now I love my dogs just as much as he loved Muning.
It was not always smooth-sailing though. We had our rough times, mostly because of my insecurities. Despite everything, I doubted his feelings for me. I accused him of playing games. That he never really loved me. That he was stupid for wasting his time on me. It was not my proudest moment, and I paid for it. I hurt him when he was at his most vulnerable. I was blind to all he did for me. I was plain insecure. It was the longest fight, and easily the most painful. We patched things up soon after.
A few months later, his ate died. It was a tough time for our relationship, which became a lot rougher to him with his ate's death. I tried to be there for him, I really did. But her death changed him. It was never the same for him, for us.
Inevitably, we both became too busy--- me with work, him with the family law firm and studying for the California Bar. He also got sick often. He would even be admitted to the hospital without telling me because he never wanted me to worry. He never even told me why he had to go. I assumed it was because of his anemia that he had already been complaining of when he was here.
We fought often on the rare times we were able to talk. The times we drifted apart, I reconnected with other people. He was still there, but I tried to see other people. You see, what we had was unofficial. It was an understanding we didn't have to put into writing because we KNEW our situation. We didn't want to sugarcoat it with promises that may only be broken. We avoided the unnecessary hurt of being together--- apart.
I admit it was my fault. I started it all. In a fit of anger, I dated the football writer I met he was so jealous of. It made things even worse. We went on days without talking to each other. During those times I reconnected with old love A, who for 4 years had always been there but we never really got together because he had a girlfriend... And I too had my share of relationships at the time. But his family loved me, and mine loved him too. To cut the long story short. I chose the security of a relationship with A over V.
A knew about V. I asked permission from A to talk to V, to finally tell him about us. V told me it must have meant everything to me ( the relationship with A) to throw away everything I had with him. He was shattered. He reminded me of the promises I made, that I would always be there for him, that I won't ever leave him, but there I was, the only person he trusted to be there for him...saying goodbye.
He told me the most sincere I love you I have ever heard. I knew he meant every single word, every single letter, every single breath he took to say it. He just wanted me to be happy, even if it hurt. I begged for forgiveness. He gave it completely.
I let him go. He did too.
I admit I was never completely happy with my partner during the time we were together. On days I couldn't talk to V, I thought of him. Of how deep I was in shit for choosing to be with A for the mere reason I wanted to make up for the 4 years we never really had. I fooled myself into believing I was content with my relationship, and look where it got me: the nastiest breakup no one expected to happen... because everyone thought what A and I had was perfect. But it never really was.
I ran to V. He was one of the few who knew about it immediately. But I guess I already hurt him too much. He thought I was playing games. He thought he was the rebound. He wasn't. I never stopped loving him. It was painful to feel him push me away. It was the last I heard of him.
Every single day I am reminded of him, the memories we shared, and the love he gave. Remember how I always watch football when I'm sad? I do that because it keeps me happy. Because it reminded me of him and how he made me laugh. V, and his love, will always be my happy thought. I will always remember how he loved me unconditionally, despite me hurting him so many times.
Now I bet you're asking why I'm telling you this. I did because I want you never to have that someone who got away. Please don't think I'm saying it's me, but who knows, you might meet someone or already have someone, you need to fight for. Don't be the coward looking for an easy way out. Don't be like me. Don't let go of a V. When you find true happiness, don't ever let it go. Tomorrow might be too late.
I'm leaving you with our (V and I's) song. Funny how he picked this one out for me, saying it was exactly like us. And yes, my love, I AM leaving you. Goodbye.
You know that East Coast girls
Always say what we mean
And shy Southern boys
Often don't say a thing
But opposites attract
And you were drawn to me
And something 'bout you
Sparked my curiosity
They say that good guys
Usually don't come in first
Good girls fall for bad guys
But with us it's reverse
Not your average love song
Between you and me
The way the story unfolds
Defies gravity
Don't have to put on my makeup
I can leave out my contacts
Don't have to dress up for you
To think I'm beautiful
If I have a moody day
I don't have to act like I'm okay
I'm overdramatic
And you know how to handle it
Act natural, be emotional
Show my insecurities
And I love the way you love me
For who I am underneath
(Who I am underneath)
They say guys keep conversation
Short and sweet
And girls can talk for hours
Till they put you to sleep
But you're the one who
Checks up on me throughout the day
You stay on the phone
Even if there's nothing to say
Most guys that I know
Like to go out at night
But you leave that to me
Cause you're not that type
And we don't need
To do anything special to be happy
We got what we need
Make each other complete
Don't have to put on my makeup
I can leave out my contacts
Don't have to dress up for you
To think I'm beautiful
If I have a moody day
I don't have to act like I'm okay
I'm overdramatic
And you know how to handle it
Act natural, be emotional
Show my insecurities
And I love the way you love me
For who I am underneath
(Who I am underneath)
Layer by layer you unravel me
Sometimes I am rough around the edges
But you handle me gently
And layer by layer I uncover you
And discover a side of you
That I never knew underneath
Don't have to put on my makeup
I can leave out my contacts
Don't have to dress up for you
To think I'm beautiful
If I have a moody day
I don't have to act like I'm okay
I'm overdramatic
And you know how to handle it
Act natural, be emotional
Show my insecurities
And I love the way you love me
For who I am underneath
(Who I am underneath)
Who I am underneath
I love you for loving me
For who I am underneath
Lunes, Oktubre 22, 2012
So yesterday, I asked for a sign. Yup, I did. I never was a firm believer in signs, but I decided to give it a shot. Hopelessness can sometimes make a person do unexpected things.
So there I was. in the middle of the city, waiting... wishing for the impossible to appear.
I wished for a firefly.
And while it was nothing like the picture, I got more than I wished for. I got three. Two more than I asked for.
It's a shame I have never seen a firefly before. There were times in the past that someone would point them out to me, but I would always be a second too late, too oblivious of the little insects flying around with tiny little lamps on their backs. I never knew what they looked like in person. They were what I saw in pictures, read in books, watched on movies. They were beautiful.
But yesterday was different. I wished for the impossible. I asked for an insect I have never before seen, to guide me into making a decision I was clueless about. But in the confusion of it all, I finally realized what I was hoping for.
Clarity.
Maybe I was a fool in believing in signs...
But there's nothing wrong in believing in hope, right?
So there I was. in the middle of the city, waiting... wishing for the impossible to appear.
I wished for a firefly.
And while it was nothing like the picture, I got more than I wished for. I got three. Two more than I asked for.
It's a shame I have never seen a firefly before. There were times in the past that someone would point them out to me, but I would always be a second too late, too oblivious of the little insects flying around with tiny little lamps on their backs. I never knew what they looked like in person. They were what I saw in pictures, read in books, watched on movies. They were beautiful.
But yesterday was different. I wished for the impossible. I asked for an insect I have never before seen, to guide me into making a decision I was clueless about. But in the confusion of it all, I finally realized what I was hoping for.
Clarity.
Maybe I was a fool in believing in signs...
But there's nothing wrong in believing in hope, right?
I feel lost. Help me find my way?
Still in the dark,
Explorimentator A.
Lunes, Oktubre 15, 2012
“Your honor, the courtroom is a crucible; in it, we burn away irrelevancies until we are left with a purer product: the truth, for all time.”
— Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
I'm sorry, darling, but I have the TRUTH as my counsel. Stick that up your ass
I don't lie,
Explorimentator A
Miyerkules, Oktubre 10, 2012
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